Real Programmers


DevX Home    Today's Headlines   Articles Archive   Tip Bank   Forums   

Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 55

Thread: Real Programmers

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    pwilmarth Guest

    Real Programmers


    Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching
    Szechwan food.

    Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right down
    on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
    do systems programming.

    Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever
    they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.

    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
    be hard to understand and harder to modify.

    Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't
    read listings or the object code from the dump.

    Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form
    of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for
    them.

    Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the
    hallmark of the novice and the coward.

    Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain
    ancient payroll programs.

    Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented
    Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program.
    Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
    wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
    reactor simulation.

    Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives
    who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

    Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
    BASIC after reaching puberty.

    Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written
    on one line.

    Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more
    parenthesis than actual code.

    Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
    sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people
    with weak minds.

    Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
    them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
    30-hour debugging sessions.

    Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at
    9:00 am, its because they were up all night.

    Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change
    of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing
    boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
    of the machine room.

    Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is
    for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties
    and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

    Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course
    they are the chief programmer.

    Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer
    mail networks.

    Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
    They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners,
    and other mental defectives.

    Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented
    for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

    Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns,
    or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.


    Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
    Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
    Real Programmers ignore schedules.


  2. #2
    TheNonProgrammer Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    Funny! But your not one for reality!

    If your a real programmer in your own mind, I'd take a wild guess that you've
    been laid off at least once in your life.

    As far me, I guess I'm not a real programmer, but then I started programming
    at the age of 18 at $24K a year with minumum wage was $3.25. Then I moved
    up to $50K in a few years, dropped out of college during my 2nd senior year
    because it seemed to be a waste of time and I was learning nothing (I regret
    this now) and took a job at $72K. A few years later I moved up to $75.00
    and a few years later I moved up to 125K.

    I work at home and set my own schedule, I don't eat twinkies, because my
    wife doesn't buy them.

    In your mind a may not be a real programmer, but then you probably never
    writen magazine articles, been featured in magazine editorals, spoken at
    "programmer" conferences, etc..., like us non-real programmers.

    >Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
    >do systems programming.


    Acutally it's for the guys you want to fix-bid a project at $50K and do it
    in less that 2-months!

    >Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever
    >they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.


    Well, yeah they are lucky to get anything at all, but then again User's are
    the ones with the money. If you want them to share, you better suck it up
    and do what they want!

    >Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it >should

    be hard to understand and harder to modify.

    >Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't
    >read listings or the object code from the dump.


    Real programmer comment so the next $50K project will only take a month and
    they can cut and paste from another project! They may not give it to the
    customer!

    >Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's
    >form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it
    >did for them.


    People that write the checks want them! If your an employeed programmer...
    you write them!

    >Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the
    >hallmark of the novice and the coward.


    It's a hallmark of a programmer that completes is work in record time and
    gets a bonus often! Maybe you struggle with reading skills and it takes
    you too long to read the manual and your really don't understand it. If
    so, then I understand why you probably need sample programs to following,
    which are typically not found in the manual!

    >Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
    >maintain ancient payroll programs.


    >Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business->Oriented

    Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program.

    I can't really slam them because the ones I know get paid $150K a year to
    do so and waste probably half the day visting Dilbert.com and the Darwind
    Awards web pages.

    >Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
    >BASIC after reaching puberty.


    "Visual" Basic is the most popular development tool on the planet. I guess
    your an unemployeed Java guy or you just refering to the old BASIC language.

    >LISP....Only idiots' programs contain more
    >parenthesis than actual code.


    That's kind like XML isn't it!

    >Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at
    >9:00 am, its because they were up all night.


    That may be why your unemployeed!

    >Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
    >Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
    >Real Programmers ignore schedules.


    And become unemployeed!

    Are you unemployeed are just having fun with this?

    Any... some not so real programmer sitting in his underware that wasted about
    $50.00 of billable time to write this reply.


  3. #3
    Vlad Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    Oh wait, i know - let's all show off our salaries! That will sure be the most
    effective way to finally prove who's who here.

    If you all need some more recycled jokes to dwell upon here's some:

    http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/books/845/axioms.htm

    http://www.happy-gods.com/jokes/share.php?joke=2650

    Feel free to borrow - be the life of the party...


    "TheNonProgrammer" <non@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >
    >Funny! But your not one for reality!
    >
    >If your a real programmer in your own mind, I'd take a wild guess that you've
    >been laid off at least once in your life.
    >
    >As far me, I guess I'm not a real programmer, but then I started programming
    >at the age of 18 at $24K a year with minumum wage was $3.25. Then I moved
    >up to $50K in a few years, dropped out of college during my 2nd senior year
    >because it seemed to be a waste of time and I was learning nothing (I regret
    >this now) and took a job at $72K. A few years later I moved up to $75.00
    >and a few years later I moved up to 125K.
    >



  4. #4
    PWilmarth Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    Actually, I didn't write it at all. Comes from a page on Computer Humor.
    Here is the site:

    www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/RealProg.html

    Based on other things I've seen on this site, it's old (several years at
    least).

    It's a joke and a spin-off from "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche", which tells
    you how old it is.

  5. #5
    Michael Culley Guest

    Re: Real Programmers

    Um, non programmer, you do realise this was a joke, as in you were meant to
    find it funny? Or do programmers such as yourself find humour unnecessary
    and inefficient.

    --
    Michael Culley


    "TheNonProgrammer" <non@hotmail.com> wrote in message
    news:3de25106$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >
    > Funny! But your not one for reality!
    >
    > If your a real programmer in your own mind, I'd take a wild guess that

    you've
    > been laid off at least once in your life.
    >
    > As far me, I guess I'm not a real programmer, but then I started

    programming
    > at the age of 18 at $24K a year with minumum wage was $3.25. Then I moved
    > up to $50K in a few years, dropped out of college during my 2nd senior

    year
    > because it seemed to be a waste of time and I was learning nothing (I

    regret
    > this now) and took a job at $72K. A few years later I moved up to $75.00
    > and a few years later I moved up to 125K.
    >
    > I work at home and set my own schedule, I don't eat twinkies, because my
    > wife doesn't buy them.
    >
    > In your mind a may not be a real programmer, but then you probably never
    > writen magazine articles, been featured in magazine editorals, spoken at
    > "programmer" conferences, etc..., like us non-real programmers.
    >
    > >Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
    > >do systems programming.

    >
    > Acutally it's for the guys you want to fix-bid a project at $50K and do it
    > in less that 2-months!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever
    > >they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.

    >
    > Well, yeah they are lucky to get anything at all, but then again User's

    are
    > the ones with the money. If you want them to share, you better suck it up
    > and do what they want!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it

    >should
    > be hard to understand and harder to modify.
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who

    can't
    > >read listings or the object code from the dump.

    >
    > Real programmer comment so the next $50K project will only take a month

    and
    > they can cut and paste from another project! They may not give it to the
    > customer!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's
    > >form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it
    > >did for them.

    >
    > People that write the checks want them! If your an employeed

    programmer...
    > you write them!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is

    the
    > >hallmark of the novice and the coward.

    >
    > It's a hallmark of a programmer that completes is work in record time and
    > gets a bonus often! Maybe you struggle with reading skills and it takes
    > you too long to read the manual and your really don't understand it. If
    > so, then I understand why you probably need sample programs to following,
    > which are typically not found in the manual!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
    > >maintain ancient payroll programs.

    >
    > >Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon

    Business->Oriented
    > Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program.
    >
    > I can't really slam them because the ones I know get paid $150K a year to
    > do so and waste probably half the day visting Dilbert.com and the Darwind
    > Awards web pages.
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
    > >BASIC after reaching puberty.

    >
    > "Visual" Basic is the most popular development tool on the planet. I

    guess
    > your an unemployeed Java guy or you just refering to the old BASIC

    language.
    >
    > >LISP....Only idiots' programs contain more
    > >parenthesis than actual code.

    >
    > That's kind like XML isn't it!
    >
    > >Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at
    > >9:00 am, its because they were up all night.

    >
    > That may be why your unemployeed!
    >
    > >Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
    > >Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
    > >Real Programmers ignore schedules.

    >
    > And become unemployeed!
    >
    > Are you unemployeed are just having fun with this?
    >
    > Any... some not so real programmer sitting in his underware that wasted

    about
    > $50.00 of billable time to write this reply.
    >




  6. #6
    Michael Culley Guest

    Re: Real Programmers

    While we are posting humour

    It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever
    consent to write a ``DestroyBaghdad'' procedure. Basic professional ethics
    would instead require him to write a ``DestroyCity'' procedure, to which
    ``Baghdad'' could be given as a parameter.

    ---Nathaniel S. Borenstein


    --
    Michael Culley





  7. #7
    Bob Butler Guest

    Re: Real Programmers

    "Michael Culley" <mculley@NOSPAMoptushome.com.au> wrote in message
    news:3de2d662@tnews.web.devx.com
    > While we are posting humour
    >
    > It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would
    > ever consent to write a ``DestroyBaghdad'' procedure. Basic
    > professional ethics would instead require him to write a
    > ``DestroyCity'' procedure, to which ``Baghdad'' could be given as a
    > parameter.


    Wouldn't it be a 'Destroy' method which could be called on any given City
    object?




  8. #8
    PWilmarth Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor and
    a destructor.

    Something like:

    Baghdad.Dispose()


  9. #9
    Jason hawryluk Guest

    Re: Real Programmers

    lol

    Don't forget the cDamage and cDeathCount classes. Also you would need a
    iWeapons Interface.

    "PWilmarth" <pwilmarth80231@msn.com> a écrit dans le message news:
    3de3081c$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >
    > I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor and
    > a destructor.
    >
    > Something like:
    >
    > Baghdad.Dispose()
    >




  10. #10
    Mark Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    >Um, non programmer, you do realise this was a joke,


    Guess not.

    Which proves he is a real programmer???

  11. #11
    Jason Smith Guest

    Re: Real Programmers

    Or we could just dereference Baghdad, do a garbage collection (this is a
    ..NET group after all), and the city would be wiped out by the CLR
    automatically. As long as everyone who referenced the city removed their
    reference.

    That way, no one would have to take the blame for destroying it. "How did I
    know that so and so was going to dereference Baghdad too!"

    But knowing Saddam, he's probably got the thing resurrecting itself into
    some city pool...

    "Jason hawryluk" <jh@3gcomm.fr> wrote in message
    news:3de33299@tnews.web.devx.com...
    > lol
    >
    > Don't forget the cDamage and cDeathCount classes. Also you would need a
    > iWeapons Interface.
    >
    > "PWilmarth" <pwilmarth80231@msn.com> a écrit dans le message news:
    > 3de3081c$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    > >
    > > I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor

    and
    > > a destructor.
    > >
    > > Something like:
    > >
    > > Baghdad.Dispose()
    > >

    >
    >




  12. #12
    PWilmarth Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    Works for me

    "Jason Smith" <jsmith@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >Or we could just dereference Baghdad, do a garbage collection (this is a
    >..NET group after all), and the city would be wiped out by the CLR
    >automatically. As long as everyone who referenced the city removed their
    >reference.
    >
    >That way, no one would have to take the blame for destroying it. "How did

    I
    >know that so and so was going to dereference Baghdad too!"
    >
    >But knowing Saddam, he's probably got the thing resurrecting itself into
    >some city pool...
    >
    >"Jason hawryluk" <jh@3gcomm.fr> wrote in message
    >news:3de33299@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >> lol
    >>
    >> Don't forget the cDamage and cDeathCount classes. Also you would need

    a
    >> iWeapons Interface.
    >>
    >> "PWilmarth" <pwilmarth80231@msn.com> a écrit dans le message news:
    >> 3de3081c$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >> >
    >> > I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor

    >and
    >> > a destructor.
    >> >
    >> > Something like:
    >> >
    >> > Baghdad.Dispose()
    >> >

    >>
    >>

    >
    >



  13. #13
    blob Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    "Jason Smith" <jsmith@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >Or we could just dereference Baghdad, do a garbage collection (this is a
    >..NET group after all), and the city would be wiped out by the CLR
    >automatically. As long as everyone who referenced the city removed their
    >reference.
    >
    >That way, no one would have to take the blame for destroying it. "How did

    I
    >know that so and so was going to dereference Baghdad too!"
    >
    >But knowing Saddam, he's probably got the thing resurrecting itself into
    >some city pool...
    >
    >"Jason hawryluk" <jh@3gcomm.fr> wrote in message
    >news:3de33299@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >> lol
    >>
    >> Don't forget the cDamage and cDeathCount classes. Also you would need

    a
    >> iWeapons Interface.
    >>
    >> "PWilmarth" <pwilmarth80231@msn.com> a écrit dans le message news:
    >> 3de3081c$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >> >
    >> > I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor

    >and
    >> > a destructor.
    >> >
    >> > Something like:
    >> >
    >> > Baghdad.Dispose()
    >> >


    Since you're all VB developers it wouldn't work. You'd all be shot dead
    before you hit the ground. They'd drop you in and you'd be all pretty, with
    nice features, talking about how you can do anything the SEALs can do, but
    you'd be moving really, really, really slow with no concept of what is actually
    going on behind Baghdads walls.

    The marines would actually use you guys as decoys. You'd be all flamboyant
    and talking amongst yourselves(in a very loud voice I might add) about how
    great you are and how VB can save the rest of the world in a RAD(ou"R" "A"rmy
    "D"oes OO) fashion more so than any other army(put language here) and your
    army is so much larger than all the others that you could dominate anyone.
    About then, "BAM", Sarin, all over you. About that time you remember you
    found out what atropine was and how to administer the shot, but you in all
    your VB wisdom forgot how to remove it and load the syringe because that
    is under the covers, I didn't need to know that to make it work. ****. Attrition
    at its best - a few million VB programmers gone. Thanks Saddam.

    And dereference? Please!

  14. #14
    Slick Willy Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    The government should just wipe you out instead. It would cost less and accomplish
    more.

    "blob" <blob@blobblobblob.com> wrote:
    >
    >"Jason Smith" <jsmith@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >>Or we could just dereference Baghdad, do a garbage collection (this is

    a
    >>..NET group after all), and the city would be wiped out by the CLR
    >>automatically. As long as everyone who referenced the city removed their
    >>reference.
    >>
    >>That way, no one would have to take the blame for destroying it. "How

    did
    >I
    >>know that so and so was going to dereference Baghdad too!"
    >>
    >>But knowing Saddam, he's probably got the thing resurrecting itself into
    >>some city pool...
    >>
    >>"Jason hawryluk" <jh@3gcomm.fr> wrote in message
    >>news:3de33299@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >>> lol
    >>>
    >>> Don't forget the cDamage and cDeathCount classes. Also you would need

    >a
    >>> iWeapons Interface.
    >>>
    >>> "PWilmarth" <pwilmarth80231@msn.com> a écrit dans le message news:
    >>> 3de3081c$1@tnews.web.devx.com...
    >>> >
    >>> > I don't know, seems to me it would be a City class with a constructor

    >>and
    >>> > a destructor.
    >>> >
    >>> > Something like:
    >>> >
    >>> > Baghdad.Dispose()
    >>> >

    >
    >Since you're all VB developers it wouldn't work. You'd all be shot dead
    >before you hit the ground. They'd drop you in and you'd be all pretty, with
    >nice features, talking about how you can do anything the SEALs can do, but
    >you'd be moving really, really, really slow with no concept of what is actually
    >going on behind Baghdads walls.
    >
    >The marines would actually use you guys as decoys. You'd be all flamboyant
    >and talking amongst yourselves(in a very loud voice I might add) about how
    >great you are and how VB can save the rest of the world in a RAD(ou"R" "A"rmy
    >"D"oes OO) fashion more so than any other army(put language here) and your
    >army is so much larger than all the others that you could dominate anyone.
    > About then, "BAM", Sarin, all over you. About that time you remember you
    >found out what atropine was and how to administer the shot, but you in all
    >your VB wisdom forgot how to remove it and load the syringe because that
    >is under the covers, I didn't need to know that to make it work. ****. Attrition
    >at its best - a few million VB programmers gone. Thanks Saddam.
    >
    >And dereference? Please!



  15. #15
    blob Guest

    Re: Real Programmers


    That didn't take long.

    >The government should just wipe you out instead. It would cost less and

    accomplish

    Man, you guys sure are testy. Can't take a joke?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
HTML5 Development Center
 
 
FAQ
Latest Articles
Java
.NET
XML
Database
Enterprise
Questions? Contact us.
C++
Web Development
Wireless
Latest Tips
Open Source


   Development Centers

   -- Android Development Center
   -- Cloud Development Project Center
   -- HTML5 Development Center
   -- Windows Mobile Development Center